It might sound odd, but we've just hosted an event all about death and dying which people described as 'wonderful', 'inspiring', 'positive' and even 'very fun!'. They also said it was 'so important', 'very informative' and 'brought difficult conversations into a safe place.'

The event was 'A Dead Good Day Out', and as a church we didn't organise it. We simply said 'yes' to hosting and supporting the event, which was run by a competent and creative team of community volunteers who are passionate about equipping people of all ages to cope better with death, dying and loss. 

A Dead Good Day Out taught me a lot about death, dying and also community collaboration, and I thought I'd share a few of those lessons with you.

Lessons on Death and Dying

• Make plans.  It is really helpful for loved ones at a time of great turmoil to know something about what you'd like them to do. Plans for funerals, for all the stuff in your house, for your digital world. Your will is the 
• Give access: Tell your loved ones where to find your will, your plans, your passwords etc.
• Sort out your stuff. This includes the things in your house and in your digital life. Make it clear what you'd really like keeping (not too much). Give your loved ones permission to give things away or throw things away and to handle your social media accounts. 
• Be sensitive. It's really important to talk about death and dying and plans. But it's also really hard. And the point when you want to talk about it might not be the point when your loved ones do. So be sensitive and be ready for opportunities that seem good for all of you. 
• Get help. One of the take away messages I took from the day is that there are people who have journeyed through some really tough experiences of death and dying, and are ready to share the wisdom they have learnt with others going through it. Many have started some fantastic organisations. And if you don't know where to start, you can always email the Dead Good Days team deadgooddays@gmail.com 

Lessons on Journeying with People Through Dying and Loss

• Do 'Alongside' Listening: Be present with people, allow for quiet and space for people to tell you what they need and think. Be aware of what your default mode is in crisis situations and press pause before you respond. A quiet 'being with' might be all that is needed.
• Avoid unhelpful responses. When someone is journeying through dying & loss, avoid phrases like 'I know how you feel' and 'I know someone who...' or 'At least (they lived a long time... or were old... or you said goodbye)'
• Empathy: Try these helpful responses 'I am here for you.' 'I can't imagine what it's like.' 'I too have experienced grief, though I know it'll be different from your experience.'
• Elephants: Sometimes you need to name the elephant in the room: 'This situation is horrible.(or other similar phrases)'

Lessons for Collaboration

• It's okay to be the smaller, supportive partner: It's okay not to be the main feature or the bigger partner. Helping someone run with their big idea by offering space, hospitality, contactless machines, publicity and some friendly people might be all that is needed for a really good thing to happen.
• Turn up and have conversations: There is value in simply turning up & being available for conversations. Bridges can be built and openness can be encouraged in the listening, sharing, laughing and eating together. If you don't turn up, then the walls might stay up.
• Communicate with clarity: Clear expectations, parameters & risk assessments are really liberating. For this event we received a risk assessment titled 'Barbie's Funeral and/or Cremation.' We also suggested the team took photos of the church so that they knew where everything needed to be returned to after the event. 
• Respectful relationships are crucial: Trust the competency of those you collaborate with (check out that they are competent in the first place! That's where community connections and relationships really help). There's a whole lot of people who know far more about a lot of things that we do. And that's great.

I'm off to make some plans, but before I go, a huge shout out to Debs Wilkes, Chris Townsend and all  the Dead Good Days team for bringing us such an inspiring and creative day.